“Believe it or not, NO! Imagine a time when you wanted to be alone. For the sake of this post, let’s say your partner was getting on your nerves. In a rush of discomfort, anxiety and frustration, you left the house to go for a walk. You had to be alone.
During this walk, you may have found that you were playing over a story or multiple stories about your relationship and your frustration, etc. Did you really want to be alone? Or did you really just wish you could work through the issue with your partner? Or talk it through with your mom. Or forget about it altogether with your friend. My point is, you don’t really want to be alone, even if the voice in your head is saying, ‘I just need to be alone.’
Most of the time this voice speaks to us, it is basically just saying that I need space from the anxiety I am feeling, because the current arrangement is too triggering. Being alone is simply the easiest way of escaping the situation. But just because it is the quickest way out does not mean it is the best. One more layer inward, another voice echoes the words of Chris McCandless as he was writing his last ever journal post in ‘Into the Wild’: ‘Happiness is only real when shared.’
Be honest with yourself, and I’ll bet you come to the same conclusion as I did – that this quote is accurate. In any moment, being alone may be better than the current situation, but is not better than being with another or others who you actually want to be with. Being with those we love and who love us is where all happiness lies. Simply put. We are social creatures who depend on this type of herd mentality for not only our happiness but our survival.
So ask yourself these questions, and answer them honestly. You deserve happiness.”
Why are we afraid to be alone? Because we don’t realize this truth… that we never actually are.
We can release our fears of being alone by realizing the truth, that we never actually are alone. Separateness is an illusion that has been debunked in the field of quantum physics. We are all made of the same star stuff. Quite literally, your hydrogen atoms were produced in the Big Bang and carbon, nitrogen and oxygen by burning stars (see The Particle Physics of You) and all that star stuff is energetically connected in a seemingly miraculous and yet scientifically proven way. This physical phenomenon is known as Quantum Entanglement… but before we get into this I want to touch on the fear of being alone itself and where we see it in our lives and society today.
Diving into the fear — how the “fear of being alone” pervades our society
Our fear of being alone is pervasive across our society manifesting in many different ways.
Take, for example, dating apps. I think it is safe to say these apps would not exist if we weren’t searching for human connection. But are we looking in the right places? Apps like Bumble and Tinder allow us to simulate connecting with people from our phones, with a one in 3,000 chance of actually connecting with them in real life. (source: Tinder is Not Actually for Meeting Anyone) Not exactly the most effective method, but that is beside the point.
The point is these apps exist on the presumption that we are alone, and there is a need to not be alone. And their solution is to give us access to a database of people based solely on location from which to choose who we don’t want to be alone with. I am guilty for having tried it out, but with this perspective, it just seems like a huge waste of our precious time on this planet doesn’t it?
Whether we admit it or not, our society has for generations looked down upon and shamed being single. If you ask a majority of our young people today, how many do you think would say they feel pressured to find “the one,” get married, or even for practical purposes to find a partner?
Let’s take another example, social media. Snapchat and Instagram ensure a constant flow of FOMO. And as many of us know, along with a diploma, graduating college comes with a tsunami wave of Facebook posts featuring engagements, weddings, babies and so on. We are constantly seeing people with other people, and unconsciously assuming the belief that we need to be with people or at least one other person all the time.
There are endless examples of the “fear of being alone” as it presents in our society and many painstakingly failed attempts at combating it.
But what if I told you the best way to connect with others was to spend time alone?
Hear me out…
Diving even deeper — the science of connectedness and Quantum Entanglement
At our core we are energetic beings. We are connected by the energy that vibrates in and all around us, from the center of our hearts to the farthest reaches of the Universe. And possibly even further, which you can learn more about here. This is infinite energy, that we have access to all the time, because we are it.
So back to the seemingly magical, or what Einstein called “spooky” but scientifically proven physical phenomenon called Quantum Entanglement.
As this article published in Nature states, “In the everyday world, objects can organize themselves in just a few ways. For example, two people can coordinate their actions by talking directly with each other, or they can both receive instructions from a third source. In both these cases, the information is communicated at or below the speed of light, in keeping with Einstein’s axiom that nothing in the universe can go faster.”
But what if we were to witness instant communication between two objects, in this case living algae cells, separated miles apart? In one of the most famous experiments in Quantum Entanglement algae cells were grown together in a petri dish, then separated in half, one half being brought to a lab miles away. When a low voltage current was applied to one half of the cells, despite the distance and separation, the other half responded in the exact same way, instantaneously.
What is so brilliant about these experiments is that they show instant communication between not only subatomic particles, but living cells, separated miles apart. This instant communication does not necessarily disprove Einstein’s otherwise universally accepted belief that nothing in the universe is capable of traveling faster than the speed of light. However, it does show that our very cells are connected by something greater than space and time. And whatever happens to part, happens to the whole.
The science is absolutely mind blowing, but the greater point I want to discuss here is what Quantum Entanglement means for us on the level of our human existence. How being ultimately connected to everyone and everything can and should change the way we go about our day, and our lives.
As beings made up of living cells, it would make sense that our cells would respond similarly to the cells in the experiment.
Let’s sit with this thought for a moment.
How would your day change if you realized everything you did, said, and even felt, affected everyone around you? How would you feel about yourself if you knew that you were never alone, but actually were a part of a universe size web of energy that connects you with absolutely everyone and everything?
We are all connected by universal energy and information that is constantly communicating and interacting with one another. On a certain level we are always feeling, understanding, and experiencing each other.
It is about time we allowed ourselves to release the illusion of separateness and embrace that we are all one energetic existence. Thus releasing judgments of each other (because really we are only judging ourselves), and putting an end to hurting one another (because really we are only hurting ourselves).
Sounds all well and good right? But where do we start?
How to surface from this fear — releasing the hold the “fear of being alone” has on us by realizing and internalizing that separateness is an illusion
The first step to freeing ourselves from the fear of being alone is to realize that that fear does not exist. It can’t exist, because being alone does not exist, because as we just proved, we are all connected.
Let me repeat, we are never alone. It is actually IMPOSSIBLE for us to be alone, or separated from any other living and nonliving thing in this beautiful, infinite and unfathomable universe.
So what do we do with this information?
Mindfulness & meditation — meditation allows us to connect with our true self, the self that is uninhibited and unencumbered by society’s beliefs, and all our learned belief systems for how things are “supposed” to work.
Believing something quite as abstract as what Quantum Entanglement suggests, requires we literally rethink everything we have been taught about how the universe works. That’s a hefty goal, but through regular meditation we know scientifically we can rewire our brain and thus unlearn decades of false belief systems.
Additionally, by getting quiet and still, we are able to access and influence our own energy field, which is ultimately our connection to everything, and everyone.
But thinking about and actually believing that we are all connected are two very different things. Internalizing this information in a way that actually releases our feelings of loneliness will take some work. Part of that work, and undoing of our learned beliefs and negative social stigmas around being alone, will require rewiring those connections in our brain.
How do we find those connections in our brain? By taking the time to uncover and actually think about all the experiences we have had that have made those stigmas real for us.
So here comes the part where we can’t be afraid to get our hands dirty. It is going to take some time to unearth all the deep rooted unconscious beliefs that have been written into your psyche since the beginning of your life. You are going to have to face your personal experiences, whether that was a past break up, parents’ divorce, or whatever your fear of loneliness has derived from over the years. But the beautiful part is that by doing so, you can take these circumstances, accept them without judgement as a part of your experience and write over them with this new information, that you are in fact unbreakably connected to the world around you.
Working through your baggage allows you to thank it for the lesson that it taught you and release it, no longer carrying it into your future self’s experience. Trust me when I say it is not only totally possible, but you will find the greatest peace and new perspective of your life and yourself on the other side.
Taking time to get still, reconnect with yourself and actually get to know that person on the inside was the best thing I EVER did. It has quite literally changed my life… and no it hasn’t been easy. I’ve had to dredge up some not very pretty pieces of my past, and work through some not so appealing realities of my present.
But believe it or not, when I brought them up and started looking at them through a new perspective, a perspective of acceptance, and not of judgement, everything changed. I realized none of it was about bad, or good, it just was and is. Bad and good are only constructs and beliefs other people have imposed on us throughout our lives. But this is YOUR LIFE and only you get to decide how you want to see it and live it.
Truth is, this is the wild west of what our miraculous existence as humans beings actually means. And if you are wondering what I mean by saying miraculous, I’m not talking magic but there is an actual science to the miraculous existence of you, which you can read about here… “The Probability of You Existing.”
So now you’re probably thinking, this is great but it doesn’t make me feel any better when I’m home alone on a Saturday night scrolling through my Instagram feed in a melted puddle of FOMO and self-pity. And to this I say… it actually should!
Let’s think back to our Tinder example. The article “Tinder is Not Actually for Meeting Anyone” says statistically it takes 3,000 swipes to actually get to the point of meeting someone in person. “Three thousand swipes, at two seconds per swipe, translates to a solid one hour and 40 minutes of swiping (if you don’t stop to actually look at their profile) to go on a single date.”
So, you could spend the hour and forty minutes it takes to swipe to find that one person who you can actually meet up with and just hope you connect — or you could spend that hour and forty minutes in meditation working to debunk the root of that loneliness that led you to downloading that app in the first place, and eliminate the feeling for good. Sounds very enticing I know, but seriously we are talking about the quality of your life here!
Not to mention the Law of Attraction requires we release our attachments to our desires. And only by doing so will we receive what we desire. Even if that’s a partner or soul mate! Until we release our feelings of desperation and want, which translate to feelings of lack, we cannot vibrate at the frequency necessary to attract that partner into our life.
And whether you believe in the Law of Attraction or not, it’s undisputed that people pick up on each other’s vibes. So think about it, are you more likely to attract someone when you exude self-confidence and a desire to find a compatible partner? Or loneliness and the need to be “completed” by someone else?
Let’s also circle back to our example of Quantum Entanglement. These living algae cells are so intrinsically connected that they responded instantaneously to electric currents applied to their fellow cells at any distance apart. Knowing this, it could in theory make sense that if we could properly tap into the energy or frequency that is allowing this connection, we could then replicate that experience on our human consciousness level. Just a thought!
If you are struggling with loneliness find peace in this… aloneness is an illusion we can overcome by changing the way we see and understand our world and place in it. Your very existence means being alone is impossible. And until then know that the feelings you feel are also being felt by millions of other people around the world. The chance of someone else understanding you is very high to say the least. So if and when you feel ready to take on the fear of loneliness head on, know we are in this together.
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